Moving forward

Relationships are tough in regular times but they are even harder when the world around you seems intent on throwing everything out can at you.

To anyone who thinks love triumphs over all, sorry… It doesn’t. Sometimes love faces, sometimes things change, sometimes you change. And during all of that you have to work really hard to keep that relationship working. If one of you doesn’t want to… Well…

The good news is you can work on a relationship. Spending time together, doing things outside the home, especially active things (that means watching TV and movies isn’t nearly as good as playing a board game, or going on a hike together.)

But you have to be willing to do those things. Sometimes one of you might not feel like it. Maybe they lost their job and doing anything is just tough right now because they are down. Maybe their health isn’t great so they are scared it nervous and doing things together is difficult.

But that’s where tenacity comes in. Either you say “this relationship, and the history we had is worth fighting for”… Or you don’t. Only you can choose.

Sadly sometimes you don’t have a choice. You aren’t the one that chose to stop fighting. You aren’t the one that didn’t communicate. If that’s the case you can ask to try, you can make suggestions, and even try writing a letter to them, or letting them know how you feel. But ultimately you have to let go.

I won’t lie, it’s going to hurt, but eventually you’ll wake up one day and realize you did all you could. It was their choice. And you can still go on.

And if you find yourself at that moment, I’m sorry. I am there, too. But we will make it through. We did what we could. Now it’s time to make a new life and find out what new passions we can follow.


What is Love?

I’ve been thinking about writing a post for a while, but really I had nothing to say. The only thing circling around in my head lately is one question: what is love? And who want’s to listen to me blather on about love? But to hell with it, this is my blog and I can write what I want. Right?

The English language is woefully inadequate to describe love. There are so many different types, so many variables and changes. And love, when you do have it, can change over time as well.

One of the things I recall from bible study is that Greek has three words for love. According to wiki Hebrew has even more.

Agape is spiritual, or steadfast love. It never dies, nor changes. It is there whether or not it is returned. A love willing to sacrifice.
Eros is physical love. Sex. Passion. Desire. It is a flame that burns inside, and can consume.
Philia is mental, or friendship love. Denotes a love that has give and take. Respect, reciprocity, and loyalty.

All of these we, English speakers, lump into one feeling. Love. It makes little sense. The love I feel for my mother and father is nothing like the love I feel for a close friend, or the love I feel for a significant other. Oh yes we have other words. We have passion, and loyalty, and friendship. We have family, and sayings like “blood is thicker then water.” But what does it all mean in the grand scheme of things? What does it mean for me?

I’ve struggled with this question my entire life. When I was little I vied for my fathers attention. I’d clean the dishes, make him dinner, make sure my sisters did their chores, and happily wait for that affirmation that I did a good job. It never came.

My mother, on the other hand, freely said she loved me. She gave me hugs, and kisses, and never faltered in letting me know that I did a good job. When she was home. Then I got married and moved away and all of that stopped. I learned that her love had a condition. I had to be there. I had to be giving her attention, listening to her stories, and being her sounding board. Once I left I wasn’t those things for her. She didn’t call. She didn’t write. When I called it was all about her, or what my sister was doing. The one joy I shared with her was the birth of my first child, but even that was subtly about her.

I grew up and moved out, and thought love meant doing things for my SO to get him to appreciate me. I thought it meant being there for him no matter what, even if he wasn’t there for me. And while I came to grips with letting go of my parents it took me a while to see that I had married into this same situation and needed to divorce myself from it as well. Love can be self destructive.

When you are raised without knowing what love is, how do you translate that into a healthy and happy relationship? Is it any wonder I couldn’t? I failed, over and over again. I mistook “eros” for “agape” and kept trying to make it work. I mistook passion for loyalty and was hit by the hard reality. I mistook companionship and friendship for something greater, and again fell.

What is love? It is many things, in many situations. I love my parents but I have no relationship with them. It is a distant love of gratitude for giving me life, and raising me to adulthood. On the other hand, I love my children with a furious passion burning in loyalty, and would sacrifice every happiness I myself could have just to see them happy. I have love for friends who have been there for me when the chips were down and would give them the shirt off my back if I could. And I have love for others that would be more personal, with hints of ‘eros’ and ‘philia’.

What I do know now, that I wish I had known when I was younger, is that love isn’t enough to make a relationship. Love is so many different things in so many different situations that love will not keep a relationship going. In fact sometimes that love is exactly the wrong thing to build a relationship on, especially if it is not reciprocated, or not grounded in reality.

Someone once told me there are three kinds of love. One a passion that burns bright, then quickly dies. One a steady stream that may lack passion, but it will last for a life time. You can build a relationship on this second kind of love, and it may be a good long relationship. It is comfortable, and stable. But the last, and the greatest, is when you have both. That kind of love feeds upon itself, burns brightly, and does not die easily.

I don’t know if that is “the greatest” kind of love. That, I think, depends on the two people involved. I’ve met couples who are quite happy going down in a blaze of glory, their passions burning brighter and brighter with each touch. I’ve known others who are quite content in their settled lives together. I have very rarely seen that third kind of  love where two people are so compatible that they would seem incomplete without the other, and their passions are simmering just under the surface. Perhaps it is because it is so rare that it looks so beautiful when you see it.

I guess the only real answer is… I’m still trying to figure it out.

Maleficent and Disney’s new direction

If you haven’t seen Maleficent yet, then you should. It’s a beautiful movie with gorgeous imagery, and strong characters. The plot is a nice twist on a fairy tale we all grew up with. And the ending has an epic battle worthy of the name.

They did a beautiful job of adding just enough prosthetic to Angelina Jolie’s already very expressive face. It gave her higher cheek bones, and made her seem leaner, almost gaunt, with wide mouth rimmed in red. In some scenes, especially those containing maniacal laughter, it was pretty amazing to watch. She embodied the evil Maleficent I watched when I was just a little girl. The scary dark fairy bent on destroying the life of the beautiful Aurora. She really made the movie what it was.

Now, beautiful scenery, characters that pop, and a plot that twists old stories and makes you wonder what is up and what is down… Lets just get into what I really love about this movie. I’m going to put it behind a break. DON’T READ IF YOU DON’T WANT SPOILERS! (just a few of them.)

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