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Category Archives: social issues

Feelings are sometimes wrong

Tonight I’m feeling useless. It’s a feeling I have all too often, and one that I know is wrong. I’m not useless. I’m actually quite helpful. But all those days of productivity and help don’t always matter. Sometimes you feel useless even when you’re not.

I was talking to someone the other day about feelings, and they said feelings don’t lie. I disagree, I find my feelings lying to me all the time. It’s like the dog that was trained to expect food any time he heard a bell. His mouth would water even if there was no food. My brain does that to me. Sometimes everything will be going perfectly fine but inside I feel like something bad is about to happen. My anxiety gets the better of me, tells me to run, hide, escape. But I’m just sitting in a theater watching a movie and nothings wrong.

I’ve had people tell me that those feelings are valid. That doesn’t help me. In fact that makes the problem worse.

If I validate that feeling of anxiety and say it is normal and natural I am less likely to confront it and try to move past it. I want to be able to go into theaters, concerts, conventions and other places crowded with people without having an anxiety attack. I will never be able to do that if I say my feelings are valid.

Instead I tell myself the truth. My feelings are lying to me. What they are saying has nothing to do with reality. I am safe. I am confident. I am going to be okay. And I’ve even begun to accept this truth.

It’s taken years but just this February I was able to speak on panels at a convention, and I only wanted to run away once. That was an accomplishment. I never would have gotten this far if I had been telling myself my feelings were valid.

When I went to the doctors office the other day they drew my blood, and I have a huge phobia of needles. There is nothing logical about my phobia but I found myself shrinking away, and on the edge of tears because of a normal thing many people do every day. The nurse started telling me my feelings were valid and it started making the fear worse.

I wanted to tell her she was wrong. My fear wasn’t valid. A phobia isn’t usually based on something that can hurt you. The needle doesn’t hurt that much, and because I tense up so much because of the fear it even makes it hurt worse. My fear is causing more problems than it helps.

But I guess this is the new psychology today? Everyone’s feelings are valid? What if I feel deep hatred for a person just because of x, y or z? Is that valid? What if I’m afraid of a big burly man just because he’s a man?

Maybe our feelings should be examined. Maybe we should find out what is causing the feeling, like that bell making the dogs mouth water, instead of just giving into the feelings. Maybe sometimes they are wrong.

I know years ago I use to feel so lost and alone that I wanted to die. I would sit in the bathtub praying that I could just die because living hurt so much. Was that valid? I don’t think so. I think depression is a lying bastard and if someone had said to me “your feelings are valid” I might have done something worse.

Your feelings are how you feel, but that doesn’t mean they are the truth. Your feelings are based on partial information, part experiences, hormones, memories, and so many other things. And sometimes your feelings get muddled up in all the hurts and abuses you’ve had that they can’t see the truth; you are loved, you are wanted, you are helpful, and you will be missed.

Depression is a lying bastard. Yes, your feelings are there, but they aren’t always right. Try to find out why you feel that way. That might be the start of healing. It was for me.

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Posted by on June 30, 2018 in social issues

 

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#MeToo

Me too. I was abused as a child. I was raped as an adult. So yes, I can say me too.

I also have male relatives that were molested as a child. And male friends who were asulted or abused as adults. I had a friend who was being stalked by his ex. I watched her beat him, throw things at him, and make him bleed. I watched him defend himself by begging her to leave, telling her she wasn’t supposed to be there. Do you know how ineffective begging your attacker to stop is? Pretty damn ineffective.

The outcome of that situation…she called the cops and said he broke the restraining order he had. All she had to do was say “I saw his truck pass by my place” and they went to pick him up, and put him back in jail. No proof. Often he was on the other side of town, nowhere near her, and they just picked him up.

But that restraining order was awesome. For an answer is perfect ammo to control your victim. She was able to get it in no time flat just by saying he hit her, even though he didn’t. And he felt so guilty for just holding her wrists so she couldn’t punch him that he just let it happen.

This is a culture where men have been told so often that they are the aggressors, they are the problem, they are the abusers, that when they are abused they can not see it. And when they speak out they are either ignored or told to shut up.

So, me too. I was abused. And I know a lot of women, and men, who have been abused. I know men and women who have been abusers. And I know that the law often is used as a way of abusing men because we are trained to believe women, not men.

I was abused, but the abuse that was done to me does not define me. I define me. And I will keep saying that, keep shouting that from the roofs, keep encouraging others to say that until we stop being sexist to men. Until we start treating women as actual human beings who can heal and grow instead of fragile flowers that must be protected from every little thing.

We can not move forward unless we acknowledge that humans are humans, and it does not matter what sex you are, what race you are, what religion you began with. Those things have more to do with what you were born to, and what genetics you have, then what mind you have inside you. None of those external things define you as much as your mind and heart do. And until we learn that, until we learn that we can be more than what others define us as, we can not move forward from this place.

 
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Posted by on October 20, 2017 in social issues

 

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