Category Archives: Commentary

Why not both?

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book vs kindleWe see it a lot these days, “Ebooks are killing print books!”

They pull up stats, and show us how ebooks are starting to outsell physical books. Physical book readers fight back and say how awful ebooks are. Then we get more stats from publishers saying print books are outsold ebooks. Back and forth like an endless yo-yo.

Why can’t we have both?

Ebooks are convenient. I love the fact that I can take my kindle filled with a thousand books anywhere I go. I can read on the bus, at the park, poolside, or just during my lunch at work. The text and e-ink are easier on my eyes then the computer screen or smart phone, and I have a paperwhite so I can read in bed with a low level of light if I really want to. If text is too small I can adjust that. If text is too big I can adjust that too.

But I have to admit that my digital collection of books isn’t as awe inspiring as my physical one. I don’t rush to see my own book on kindle, I want the paperback in my hands so I can show it off. I like the smell of old books, and the look of their covers on my shelf. I love having a non-fiction paper book that I can write notes in the margins, highlight, and fold pages. Bookmarks in kindle aren’t quite the same.

The music industry is a fantastic counter example of where the publishing industry is going. They had iTunes, then other music shops open to regulate prices. We had Amazon. They had access to iTunes, soundcloud, and other services where indies could go straight to the public, we had Amazon, then Smashwords, and others. They struggle with the same “go free or don’t go free” quandary that faces writers.

Just as writers can see a correlation with their indie writers, readers can see a correlation to their music lovers. CD’s, and even LP’s, have not faded away to obscurity because of MP3’s. On the contrary, they have become collectible, sometimes specialized to give them greater value to the listeners. While lovers of great music continually search out the new, and fill their technology with MP3’s they are also sharing, buying, and trading CD’s and LP’s.

Why wouldn’t books do the same? Print books aren’t going to disappear into the ether. There will always be those who shun technology, who can’t afford it, or simply enjoy the feel of a good book.But like music book publishers are going to have to be a little more creative in how they market, or stick to the big boys who sell the most books. As print on demand becomes easier, and even more cost effective, fewer bulk books will be available.

One of the biggest markets hit by the change in the music industry may have been music stores. Many of them failed while others changed their model, becoming more specialized and catering to specific crowds. Book stores are doing the same thing. While Boarders disappeared Barns and Nobel adjusted their business model and is surviving.

It’s nice that music lovers no longer care if it’s digital or physical. They’ve gotten past the logistic of how their music gets in the hands of the fans and just gone on to make great music. Hopefully that will soon be the case for authors and readers as well. Then we can get back to the business of writing good books, and getting them in the hands of those who love to read.

Some days you’re the bug

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LiesThere’s a song I use to listen to when I was younger… Some day’s your the windshield, someday’s your the bug. That’s how I’m feeling tonight.

Depression is this weird thing that we all know about. We just don’t talk about it. It’s anathema. Are we afraid we’ll catch it if we acnoledge it? It’s like we’re afraid that if we are broken then we can never be fixed again and no one will ever love us. But it’s mostly that way for mental illness. If you break a bone, or cut your arm, no one bats an eye. You get a cast, and people sign it. You tell awesome stories about how you rolled  your bike down a hill and had this awesome, amazing adventure.

But depression doesn’t have amazing stories. It has heart wrenching hurt filled stories. Sometimes it has no stories at all, it’s just there. Then it whispers in your ear and tells you how worthless and useless you are. It circles around your, slowly squeezing out all rays of light and leaving you in a dark passage trying to find your way.

I’ve struggled with depression for most of my life. It started when I was a teenager unable to find that basic thing we are all looking for: love. I wasn’t battered or beaten. I wasn’t called horrible names very often. Mostly our parents just left us alone to fend for ourselves. No matter how good I was I could never get their attention. Not even after I moved away and got married. They just weren’t that interested in me.

That crushing burden of being alone, it eats into you. Add to it the lack of friends, the complete awkwardness of a general teenage girl, the fact that I always wore hand me downs and no one ever noticed me except when they teased me. You’re set adrift in the world, lost, and no one to catch you.

Just before my divorce I hit rock bottom. I lost everything, including my children, and I almost jumped off a building. Oh I thought about suicide lots of times. The earliest I can remember was 14 drawing pictures of myself falling off a cliff onto rocky outcroppings. Then during my marriage to a husband who treated me as an inconvenience most of the time and liked to remind me constantly of how useless and worthless I was it just got worse.

Getting divorced saved me. I was able to get out of the depression, and the suicidal thoughts left. I had hope. Hope was all I ever needed. Being alone was a blessing after that marriage.

But now and then the depression creeps back in, whispers in my ear, and reminds me how worthless and useless I am. It’s been whispering for a few weeks now. That I never finish anything, that I never get anywhere. That I’ll never be good enough or concomitant enough. That no matter how hard I try no one will ever respect me or care about me.

I hate those whispers. I usually curl up in Gregg’s lap and he reminds me how much I am loved and wanted, but he isn’t home right now so I am writing a blog post and I am reminding myself. Depression is a lying bastard! I am worthwhile. I am creative. I am a wonderful person. And it might take a while, but by damn someone is going to love my books.

If you’re in that spot now I hope you know… Depression lies. Whatever it’s whispering to you in the dark, it isn’t true. Tell someone, let them know what it’s saying and they will tell you the truth.

It’s hard to feel worth while when everything is falling down around you. It’s hard to believe in yourself when life has been so hard. I know. I’ve been there. Life has kicked me and punched me and left me lying on the ground bleeding. All we can do is get back up, and say Depression Lies.

My impressions of “Mad Max: Fury Road”

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MM-Main-PosterJust got home from watching Mad Max Fury Road. I only remember fleeting parts of the original Mad Max. I do remember watching “Thunder Dome” as a teenager. Tina Turner was amazing in that. What I remember of both movies was fantastic, dark, gritty, and filled with action.

The new Mad Max carries a lot of those same qualities. Dark and gritty, filled with action. And it was amazing. A true action movie filled with all sorts of explosions, phenomenal chase sequence, and moments where you are just trying to figure out who is a good guy.

The story was more then just action though. There was a lot of great characterization (though little of it had to do with Max, himself.) But to talk about that, which I have to because I’m also a story teller, I’ll take you behind a cut since there are going to be spoilers.

(Click ‘read more’ to risk spoilers.)

Continue reading →

New Serial? YES PLEASE!

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If you haven’t listened to “Serial” yet then you should. You can find it here. It’s full of nail biting cliff hangers, and amazing plot twists that make any “who-done-it” worth watching.

There were some moral dilemmas also. this wasn’t a random “who-done-it. This was an actual murder case, with an actual man still behind bars, and an actual conclusion as to what the host thinks was and was not done correctly, and what she concluded about his innocence and/or guilt.

Can you make a podcast about a living, breathing person? Can you put his life and crimes on trial in front of millions of people? Clearly the answer is yes, because they did. And they are coming back with two more seasons!

I learned about Serial through, of all things, a tweet.

Two girls walked by me today, deep in conversation. “There’s no way Adnan did it,” one of them said, and my world got that much smaller. – Wil Wheaton

This intrigued me. Who was this Adnon and why wasn’t I in on the know? So I looked him up, and then I found the podcast. Once I started listening I couldn’t stop.

After listening to several episodes I started searching the internet for more information about the case, and who was involved. I found forums, and sub-reddits, and podcasts about the podcast. People were obsessed about this story, and kept coming back for more.

The outpouring reminded me of the days, long ago, when people would talk about the latest episode of some TV show EVERYONE was watching. We rarely have things, like Serial, that fascinate a majority of our population anymore. The only other thing I can think of is “Game of Thrones”, and sports. Maybe things like the Avengers, and LOTR movies. There is so much media out there, and so many different ways to get it, that unless you are in that group you don’t know anything about it.

Serial was also the first hit in podcasting. They had more listeners every week then any other show in the history of podcasting. This opened the doors for other podcasters to be recognized. I think two more seasons can only help the rest of us.

Slowing… down…

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Ever feel like you’re slowing down? The world keeps chugging along around your, but you seem to be going at a glacial pace. You have all these ideas and plans. Things you want to accomplish. A bucket list a mile long. But you didn’t do any of those things this week, or maybe this month.

And it isn’t even that you’re necessarily doing anything against your dreams. You’re just doing your job. Your day job, of course. You’re taking care of your family, and paying the bills. You go to little league with your kids, and bake cookies every Christmas. And the world keeps chugging along.

Some days, for me, it feels like I’m just trying to blow bubbles into the wind. All the bubbles are racing off behind me, forgotten, and the new ones have no chance of catching hold.

When I feel like I’m not making any progress, that time is standing still, I take a moment to review my accomplishments. I remind myself how far I’ve come. Yes, there’s a lot more to do, but I’ve already come this far. I’m that much closer to where I need to be. And so are you.

It may feel like we are stagnant and going no where, but sometimes when it feels like that you just have to dig up those past moments when you were working to your goal and remind yourself how much closer you are.

And if you aren’t closer, if you haven’t done anything…then take a small step closer to that dream. Go buy that guitar and start taking lessons. Go sign up for a class on yogo or thia chi. Practice painting. Write a story. Buy a ticket to Mali. Travel, and live, and love. Because the world isn’t going to wait for you to get in gear.

My love/hate affair with reviews

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“As an author…” Don’t you just hate it when someone starts the conversation as “As X I believe Y.” It sets them apart, says “I’m X and you aren’t therefore you don’t understand in the same way I do.”

Except that we all have those moments. Because I am a mother I see things in certain ways. Because I am an author I see another faucet of the world. A girlfriend, a divorcee, a survivor of abuse, a high school graduate. All of those things are things that I have done, as have many thousands of other people. So as one of them I do have a different perspective then someone who isn’t.

It’s still a bothersome way to start a conversation. And yet I almost did here.

Anyway, back on subject. I’ve been thinking about reviews a lot lately. NOT reviews of my book, as you might have guessed, but reviews from my day job. Some of you might know that I am a manager at a little store. Our corporation has “asked” us to get reviews from the customers. This means we hand out cards that say “give us a review on Google or Yelp to let others know how you like us,” or something to that effect.

For every fifty cards you give out you might get one review. This causes problems in a little store like mine where I only see two to three people a day. I ask, I hand out cards, and I just barely manage to get their quota of two reviews a month most months.

Then I have to go through the whole conversation of “Why aren’t you doing better?” Sigh.

So when I come home and I deal with my writing and it comes time to ask for reviews…there is a love/hate struggle of epic proportions going on inside of me.

First of all, I LOVE reviews on my books. I’ve only gotten a couple of bad ones, and so many great ones. I’ve read every single one and they just make me happy. Happy that someone took the time to read it. Happy that someone bothered to write a review. Happy that people ACTUALLY LIKED my book.

But the asking…the asking for reviews sucks and I hate it. I hate to feel like I’m imposing myself on others.

“Reviews are the life blood of authors” as the email I just got this morning from another author friend reminded me.

Then you go to Target, or the local boutique, or the car wash and are bombarded by people asking for reviews. Then you get these postcards of “review us please” filling up your pockets.

reviewAs an author I love reviews. As a consumer I am slightly annoyed with every store asking for them. And as a manager at a little shop I feel guilty asking for them, and frustrated that I can’t make the quota.

I still do it. I do my job, put a smile on my face, hand them the card and say “Please give us a review to let others know how helpful we’ve been.” Then I ask the next person, and the next, rarely expecting a review because so few people actually do.

And that’s the crux of the problem. The new internet revolves around reviews, but only a small fraction of us actually do them. I know I don’t do them very often. I just added a ton of books to my Goodreads library and only reviewed a handful of them.

Your book reading choices are being influenced by a fraction of the reading population. Did you know that? If 1000 people download the book, and 100 people read it, but only only ten actually give it a review that is a really small portion of the people who own it actually saying anything about it. That means if you care about reviews only a small portion of people, those who review everything, or those who had significant interaction with (good or bad) are influencing your decision on which product to buy.

And there are good reasons to review, and good reasons not to. For me, I prefer to review books that I really ABSOLUTELY loved so that others will know how much I loved it and might also read it. But I’ve read a lot of books and reviewing them all would take a very long time.

I don’t know if there is a point to any of this. Review my book? Yes, I’d love to hear from anyone who’s read my book. But I don’t want to seem pushy either. So read it, enjoy it, and if you want to then let me know about it. I’d love to hear from you, even if you hated it.

Unintentionally offensive

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Yesterday at work a customer made an off hand remark about getting something free. Lots of people do this, nifty percent of the time they are teasing. We laugh, I say sorry can’t do that, and we go on our ways.

But yesterday was a bit different. We laughed, then he said “I’m just kidding. I work for what I have. I’m a conservitive, not a liberal. I don’t expect anyone to just give me anything.”

I was a little offended. First time in a really long time that I’ve ever been offended. I don’t necessarily consider myself a liberal, but I have been on public assistance before. Even now I have free medical from the state because I can’t afford health care. And this is what this person thinks of me? That I just want free hand outs instead of working for myself?

I laughed it off and let him go his way without saying anything. He was a grumpy old man, and a customer. Picking a fight would never change anything. What’s worse, even when confronted with their ignorance they won’t change their mind.

I hated being on public assistance. Every time I had to pull out that damn food stamp card I felt like I was a failure. It made me question my value to my children. My value as an individual.

I am so grateful I live in a country that gives food to the hungry, even if it is done so begrudgingly, and at the same time they give it to you they are making you feel guilty for using it. Without those food stamps there where months when my children and I would have gone hungry. Because of food stamps my children ate, and I only went hungry a few times. (They really dont give you much.)

The guilt is awful. I once put an energy drink on a counter along with some food because I was really tired from working and going to school, and wanted a little pick me up. “Food stamps don’t cover that,” the cashier said.

Ya. I know. That’s why I have a job, and I also get money from student grants that pays for this. Just ring it up, will ya?

Then there are the people who say “well you shouldn’t have had kids if you couldn’t afford them.” To everyone who says this FUCK YOU! I could afford them when I had them. I wasn’t on state assistance from the moment I had them.

Shit happens, things fall apart and you thank god, or the little fairies, or the flying spaghetti monster that there is state assistance because your friends and family will not be feeding your children when the shit hits the fan.

Having been poor I envy people in countries like Sweden and Norway that have good schools, and health care for everyone. Right now I have to deal with lots of little cavities and two more root canals because I couldn’t go to the dentist for more than fifteen years. I almost died once because my job wouldn’t let me take time off work when I was sick and I ended up with pneumonia for a month. I was too afraid to go to a doctor because I didn’t have insurance and we already went bankrupt once because of medical bills. But we didn’t go bankrupt fast enough. We were evicted, and lost our car because of garnishments when we couldn’t afford to pay for the life saving surgeries my husband and my son had.

“Then why did you get a divorce? Two paychecks are better than one.” You would rather people stay miserable and unhappy, or in abusive relationships because you don’t want to pay an extra one percent in taxes to help the poor?

“But there are soup kitchens, churches, shelters for the homeless etc. Etc.” do you want to stay in a dorm room with hundreds of people you don’t know with your children? There are people that get raped, stabbed, robbed  and worse in those places. Does it feel good to go to a soup kitchen every day to eat with your children? Or is it easier to get a little food stamp card so that I can go to the grocery store like normal people? Besides if every hungry person in the area went to these places they would run out of money and food a lot faster.

The attitude of many people in this country is “it’s your fault you are poor and you have to get yourself out of it.” They don’t consider accidents, job layoffs, medical conditions, or just bad luck. They can’t see that helping a person is far better for everyone than keeping them down.

“It’s my taxes!” And you’re right. It was my taxes too. I worked, I paid, and then when things went bad I used them. Even if I hadn’t what is better, paying one percent of your income to help the poor and sick, or paying 30% of all taxes for military, NSA, an unending war on terror, spying on everyone, passing million dollar pensions, and a lot of other things that probably could be cut or shrunk. But you’d rather cut services to the poor which consists of about 22% including health benefits for anyone who needs them.

It’s really frustrating that the same people who make you feel guilty for not making enough to live are the same people that say “we can’t raise minimum wage! That would hurt everyone.”

Do you really hate the poor so much that you want them to stay poor? Do you really care so little for others that you’d rather send drones to shoot up wedding parties and arrest people for feeding the homeless?

I haven’t been “proud to be an American” in years. And attitudes like this man’s are why. Like our government forcing drug testing for being on state assistance, or locking away people who told the truth.

This country is 14th in education and 37th in health care. The only thing we rank number one in is imprisoning our own people!

When will we learn that helping people is better for everyone then keeping them down?

Recharging

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IMAG0710Yesterday was an amazing day. I had such a wonderful time at Cirque du Soleil. Absolutely wonderful, breathtaking work. (Click the picture to go to the album of photos I took.)

So, today…. I rested. I sat back, listened to podcasts, played some games, and did nothing at all. Yesterday was amazing, today was good. Tomorrow… back to work I go so I’m recharging my batteries as much as possible today.

But it did get me to thinking, I wrote about taking time to enjoy the little things (or was that in a vlog?) like making cute little craft items. I also think you should take time to recharge and relax. Write every day if you can, but don’t be afraid to take a day or two off now and then. Relaxing for me is hiding behind shut doors, sitting around the house in PJs and just sipping hot tea. Maybe for you it’s a party, or a hike through the woods. Maybe it’s sitting beside a quiet lake in the sunshine enjoying a fantastic book.

Whatever it is, go do it. Relax, enjoy, recharge, and get back to the words tomorrow. You’re fingers, and your mind, will thank you for it.

Salesmen or Customer Service Rep

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What’s the difference between being pushy and being helpful?

Last year I went to a used car dealership and looked into getting a car. I really liked the car they showed me, but the tactics used by the men at the dealership were so underhanded and vitriol that it has put me off ever going to a used car dealership again. If I do go to a new car lot I will be so against the dealership that it’s going to be difficult for them to help me even if they are actually there to help me instead of helping line their pockets.

Some of the things they did:

  • Telling me what I needed instead of listening to what I said
  • Assuming I’d buy it even after I said no.
  • Changing their wording to try and get me to do the thing I said no to already
  • Treating me like I was stupid for saying no.
  • Telling me they knew better, or the bank knew better then I did about my finances.
  • Making it physically difficult for me to leave.
  • Asking again and again for that sale to the point of harassment.

It’s unfortunate that I’ve seen some of these tactics bleed into other businesses, though not as bad as that dealership was. But, I do see people “assuming the sale” and pushing for that “no,” often dozens of times.

It’s frustrating, even aggravating. If I were to walk into a store and the employees started assuming I’d buy whatever they handed me I would be inclined to leave. I know my budget, my tastes, my desires. Often I don’t even want a specific thing when I go into a store I just want to see what’s available. Having your employee sit there and give me things to buy doesn’t make me want to buy, it makes me uncomfortable and want to leave.

But I also recognize not every customer is like me. There are others who don’t know what they want. They need more help picking the right outfit, or the right sized couch for their space. I get that. A good “customer service agent” can tell the difference between someone who needs that extra bit of help, and someone who just wants to be left alone to pick their own things. They will ask if they need help. Watch to see if they look confused. Offer little bits of information about products or services. Only if the person wants to engage in conversation will they but in. And if the person is just looking, or doesn’t want to be bothered, then they will let it go.

But it seems that more companies want “salesmen” instead of “customer service agents”. They care less about the customers good experiences and more about the amount of crap they can push off on the general public.

I get it. Your growth business is no longer a growth business. It’s just another stock on the market maintaining it’s shares, and you’re looking to raise capitol to make your stockholders happy. So you’re expanding your sales, pushing more merch, and upping quotas to get bonuses so you give out fewer bonus (thus saving money) and push your employees to get more from the public to try and meet the insane quotas. I GET IT. You have to please the stockholders.

I also understand that as long as we, the public, keep going to your shop, allowing “salesmen” to sell us crap, then you’re going to keep doing it. “It works” you say, all the while annoying some of your customers to the point that they quit shopping with you, and pissing off some of your employees because they didn’t sign up to be aggressive salesmen. But IT WORKS, so you’re going to do it.

I just wonder how long it will take for this salesmen attitude to infiltrate all of our businesses and shops. Till then I will keep looking for the shops that encourage the employees to be friendly, and chatty. Where I get greeted by name, and they already know my favorite drink. Because I’d rather pay extra to get that personal service then pay the lowest common denominator to watch my fellow human beings be turned into pushy salesmen who only care about the bottom dollar.

I tried

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Today I ran home for lunch thinking I would do a short video review of the novel I just finished listening to. I was so excited. The house was empty and I could just turn on the camera and talk for a bit.

But the house wasn’t empty. My daughter was home, in between classes and work, and taking a nap in her room. Okay, I thought, she’s napping I can still record. Right?

Wrong.

Staring at the camera, ready to speak, I froze. This isn’t unusual for me. I almost always freeze in front of a camera unless I’m talking to friends. I’ve managed to do a couple of videos on my own, but they are rare, and they always make me feel self conscious. Sometimes, like today, worse then others.

As I left to drive back to my office I wondered why. Why is it so difficult to just talk to the camera. Is it the big eye starting at me? Is it the fact someone might see my face and hear my voice and judge me because of it?

I do hate my voice. I think it sounds high and squeaky, like a little girls voice, and I hate it. I hate seeing my face on the computer. I can’t even watch my podcast because it makes me so uncomfortable. But I don’t think it was any of those things.

Honestly, driving away from my home and thinking really hard about it, I was embarrassed. Embarrassed that my daughter, in the next room, would hear me. Embarrassed that someone I knew face to face would see me stumbling over my words. Embarrassed that I would even think someone would want to hear what I had to say.

Writing and publishing is easy. I put my work up and if someone wants to read it they will. I don’t have to worry about it. I don’t have to feel embarrassed because they are choosing to seek it out and view it. Some part of me knows it’s the same with videos and at the same time… I don’t believe that.

Worse, I know where this comes from.

I never learned the art of making friends. It’s even harder to keep them. A huge part of this was my marriage. My boyfriend calls me Rapunzel as  I was kept in a tower, away from everyone for most of my life.

Before marriage we lived in a little plot of land far from anyone else. My parents were usually away and the only company had were my three sisters who I did not get along with. So I spent most of my time reading. Even at school.

After my marriage I started having children. I tried to make friends, but I didn’t know how. I was shy, and scared. Honestly I don’t even know how I got married except that after several women cheated on him he finally picked me because I couldn’t cheat on him. I didn’t have friends.

One day, many years into my marriage, I told my husband how frustrated I was with it. I was loanly, and he was gone a lot. Why couldn’t I come hang out with him and his friends?

“They think you’re a bitch,” he said.
“But why?”
“Because you left the room to go watch cartoons with the children and never said a word.”
“But they were smoking. You know I can’t breath smoke, I just start coughing and can’t breath. I thought it says more polite to quietly excuse myself than make a fuss. Why didn’t you explain?”

He never explained. He never encouraged me to make friends. In fact it was just the opposite. There were excuses of why I couldn’t go out. Accusations of the few friends I had saying and doing things behind my back. Lack of transportation. Lack of phone. Lack of money.

So I spent my time, locked in the tower with my books.

When you’ve been locked in the tower for so long the outside starts to look scary. You are told people are out to get you, steal your man, use you and throw you away. You’re afraid. But the tower is safe. The books are good. And everything is okay.

I look outside and I want so badly to be happy and healthy and have friends. I want to call someone up and say “let’s go to the movies” or get coffee or just go to the zoo. I want that so much, and every time I try I… I want to cry.

It’s easy to stay in the tower. And so hard at the same time.

The camera, staring at me with its unblinking eye, is a window to the outside. A path out of my tower.

But I will keep trying. Keep pushing that button. Keep crying. Eventually, someday, maybe I can break free of this tower.